How Do I Live
by DannyFan66
Summary: I adore this song. Just after the blow up on the front stairs, in 'Dummy Twins'. I've done one of these...this is a little different. Let me know what you think. FoG


Disclaimer: I don't own any part of The Nanny...yet. Nor do I own any part of this way cool song.

A/N: Just a little one shot song fic about what happens after CC resigns…I've already done one of those, but…this works too.

**How Do I Live?**

"…Maxwell my resignation will be on your desk in the morning." CC turned and left the home she always hoped would be hers someday. She couldn't help but wonder now in what capacity she'd thought that would happen.

CC rode home in the dark silence of the cab. She walked into her dark and silent apartment, even Chester didn't greet her at the door. CC tossed her coat to the sofa, flipped on the Trisha Yearwood CD she'd put in before she left home that morning and dropped onto the sofa. "How could he say those things? I thought we had an understanding. Why would he ask me to marry him and mess everything up. What was he thinking?" CC felt the tears fall down her cheeks and she didn't even bother to wipe them away. She leaned back into the sofa. The music was playing in the room and the movie of her life was playing in her head.

"_Hello, hello…I'm CC Babcock…Mr. Sheffield is expecting me." She felt so confident until she saw him standing there. Who was this charming man who'd yet to say a word to her and had already taken her breath away? His reddish blonde hair and piercing blue eyes had CC captivated the minute he opened the door. _

_And then he spoke. "I'm Niles, if you'll just follow me." His deep resonant baritone with such a sexy accent pulled her in and she knew she'd follow him anywhere. _

****

"_Oh God, Niles…" Max cried out as he clung to his dearest friend in the corridor of the hospital…the children sat, crying and hugging their grandparents. "What am I going to do without her?" CC cried too, she'd come to love Sara. She'd welcomed her into the family. _

_How would this family survive? It didn't take long to get that answer. Niles. Niles kept them together. Niles cared for Max when he stopped eating. Niles cared for the children when Max refused to leave his room. Niles hugged them when they cried, went to them when they had nightmares. Niles had even held her when she wept at the loss of her best friend. Niles went to her when she too had the nightmare. Niles…always there…always faithful…always caring. Niles._

****

"_Who is that?" CC asked as 'the lady in red' appeared at the top of the stairs. Hardened by the loss of her friend and haunted by her need to protect the only family she every really felt a part of CC threw herself into work, misinterpreted her feelings of devotion to Sara into feelings she thought were love for Max. Then Fran entered their lives and made the family whole again. CC felt less and less needed. Fran was everything the children needed. She was fun, sharp in her own way, gentle and forgiving, a perfect…mother. CC didn't really hate Fran…she just saw her family slipping away and no way to stop it. How did everything go so terribly wrong?_

****

_Niles and CC did have their moments. The occasional theatre function, that soul wrenching, mind numbing kiss in the den after one too many Johnny Walker's. God, the man is amazing. Yes; he's a butler. Yes; he works for a living; hard, thankless work, but he's still kind and gentle. He can balance an insult perfectly on the edge of fun and hurtful. He's an incredible cook and an even better singer. Niles is cultured and well mannered, with the grace and intelligence of the best of society. Niles had much more to offer than men with much more money._

_It's not like CC didn't have other options. She'd refused at least five proposals in the last ten years…all wealthy, well bred men of society. All of them the right kind of match for CC…on paper at least, good looking, intelligent men. She told herself it was because she wanted love, not just status. But why not love…without status? _

****

_Then Niles had the heart attack and she really thought she'd lost him. "Don't make me get ugly." He looked at her vacantly searching her face for some explanation. She just froze and watched as he crumbled to the floor at her feet. "Maggie, call 9-1-1, and then call your parents in London, here's the number, Gracie bring me a pillow. Brighton go wait at the front door for the paramedics." CC dropped to the floor and took off Niles' tie and opened his shirt. "Don't you dare die on me, Butler Boy." _

****

CC popped up suddenly from where she slept on the sofa and glanced at the clock in her kitchen. "Oh no…I can't let him leave." CC sat on the edge of her seat and begged the driver. "Please, hurry…" CC listened to the radio without really listening until Trisha Yearwood started her plaintive song, 'How Do I Live' CC's eyes closed and she couldn't stop the pictures from running through her mind again, couldn't stop his last, ever pleading words from pricking at her heart one more time. _"Where are you going to be ten, twenty years from now? You'll be saying 'Merry Christmas' to your friends in rehab and wondering what might have been."_

How do I,  
Get through one night without you?  
If I had to live without you,  
What kind of life would that be?

CC say him lying on the stretcher as the ambulance hauled him out of the mansion.

Oh I need you in my arms  
Need you to hold  
Your my world my heart my soul.

They were dancing in the den, his strong arms guiding her, twirling her away and pulling her back into his arms.

If you ever leave,  
Baby you'd take away everything good in my life.

There she stood at the foot of the stairs watching him walk away from her.

Without you ,  
There'd be no sun in my sky.  
There would be no love in my life,  
There would be no world left for me.

CC sees herself standing in the foyer of the mansion, holding her coat…waiting…for him…

And I  
Baby I don't know what I would do  
I be lost if I lost you  
If you ever leave  
Baby you would take away everything real in my life.

The cab pulls up in front of international departing and CC runs inside and up to the desk. "Please I need to find someone. He was leaving for London on the first flight this morning. His name is Niles, Niles…Brightmore." CC smiled having finally said the name aloud that so few even know.

"Gate D27, but it's in final boarding…you'll never make it." The clerk called after CC.

CC called back to the clerk. "Don't let the plane leave with that man on it…I need to tell him I love him." CC pulled off her shoes and ran at full debutante speed through the less than crowded airport. The words of the song playing in her head as she ran through the airport.

And tell me now  
How do I live without you  
I want to know  
How do I breathe without you  
If you ever go  
How do I ever, ever survive?  
How do I  
How do I  
O how do I live?

"Oh, God, you saved his sorry life for me once, don't take him away from me now…please." CC spoke softly as she bolted for the gate. She could see them closing the door. She had no choice by to yell "Niles! Don't go! Niles!" Just as the doors closed on what she knew was her one chance at happiness. CC continued to the gate. With tears streaming down her face she begged the attendant. "Please, I need you to let me on that plane…just for a moment, please."

"I'm sorry, I can't open that door unless you have a ticket?" The attendant asked her.

CC shook her head. "Please…"

"They're taxiing off the jet way, I'm sorry…you're…you're too late." The attendant touched CC's arm softly and CC moved to the window and watched as the plane pulled out onto the airfield.

CC made her way slowly out of the airport; shoes still in her hand…tears still leaving a trail down her cheeks. She didn't even notice the odd looks and stares she was getting. She wouldn't have cared if she did. "Can you get me a cab…please?" CC asked the white cap.

"Yes, Ma'am, are you alright?" The older man asked her kindly.

CC tried to smile. "I missed a plane."

"Well, there'll be another one." The man offered.

CC sighed. "Not like that one..." CC climbed into the cab. "407 East 86th St."

CC again sat in silence in the back of the cab, watching out the windows at the life outside. It was the early morning in New York…alive already with people going to work, coming home, going shopping and sending the kids off to school. CC couldn't help but wonder, what was she going to do now? CC dragged herself out of the cab and made her way past the looks of the door man and front desk security guard without a word. When she entered her same dark apartment the Trisha CD was still playing…

CC poured herself a stiff drink and just as the glass reached her lips she put it back on the bar and walked away. She tossed her coat to the sofa and went into her bedroom. Washed her tear streaked face only to start over fresh as her tears still fell. CC slipped into her pale blue silk pajamas and walked back into the living room. As Trisha reached the high point of the song that told the story, someone was pounding on CC's door. "I'm coming!"

If you ever leave  
baby you would take away everything  
Need you with me  
Baby don't you know that you're everything good in my life.

Expecting a complaint about the music, CC threw it opened to find Niles standing there. She didn't say a word. She took him in her arms and kissed him like she was afraid he'd disappear.

And tell me now  
How do I live without you  
I want to know  
How do I breathe without you  
If you ever go  
How do I ever, ever survive?  
How do I  
How do I  
O how do I live

"But…I saw the plane leave…how did…I…" CC was crying full on and just couldn't find the words.

How do I live without you baby.......  
How do I live....

"The attendant told me that some crazy blond in a red overcoat wanted to tell me she loved me. Do you know anything about that?" Niles smiled softly.

CC cupped his face in her hands. "Nope."


End file.
